Why Introverts Freeze in Meetings (And the 60-Second Reset)

Have you ever been sitting in a hard conversation at work, piece of tough feedback, conflict on a call, and felt your body just clench? Tight chest, shoulders up, your mind goes blank. Or the opposite, you just shut down completely, and afterwards you’re kicking yourself because you had so much more to say. Here’s the thing. For a lot of us who are quieter, more sensitive, more introverted, this isn’t a fatal character flaw. That’s your nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do a long time ago, and no amount of forcing confidence is going to fix it, because it’s not a mindset problem. My guest today spent years in high-pressure sales conversations before she figured out that the solution wasn’t up here. It was learning how to regulate her nervous system from the body up. Welcome to The Introverted Leader. It’s a podcast helping introverted leaders embrace your underrated quiet strengths so you can get promoted and start earning what you deserve. I’m Greg Weinger. I have over 25 years of leadership experience, and yes, I am an introvert. My guest today is Karen Canham. She’s a coach and practitioner in somatics, functional medicine, and nervous system regulation, and she teaches introverted leaders how to stay grounded in those moments that used to knock us off our game. Let’s get into it All right. Karen, welcome to the show. It’s so good to have you here today Thanks for having me. I’m excited for this conversation Before we get into it, I have to ask the question I ask all of my guests, do you consider yourself an introvert, extrovert, or other? I do really love this question. I used to label myself as an introvert for many years, and kinda carried it as it was something that was kind of wrong with me. And so I’ve really gotten away from that over time. I think it’s helpful in a way to know yourself if you’re introvert or extrovert, but carrying that label can be damaging. And so, overall, I am a sensitive person, and I tend to be quieter. I need, time with myself to recharge, and so I probably, if we wanna label me, I’m more introverted than I am extroverted. It’s funny because my whole career has been in sales. That I think probably had me label myself even more. I think there’s so much information out there now that is like getting away from that, and that introverts have a special quality about them, and what they bring to the table, and it doesn’t mean they can’t be in sales, for example. I mean, I would say I’m an introvert, still, and I kind of just, don’t try to label other people or myself really, and just look at their positive qualities and what they carry and bring to the table. Yeah. Well, I, appreciate that answer and, I think sound strange for a podcast called The Introverted Leader to be talking about, you know, we… At some point you do need to go beyond labels, but I think they’re super helpful for helping people understand themselves and kind of accept these parts of themselves and really appreciate and celebrate these parts of themselves. So, it sounds like you’ve gone through that journey yourself. All right.maybe we could start talking about regulation, self-regulation. You mentioned sources of stress for people, especially in leadership, conflict is one of the biggest sources of stress, either in personal life or on the job. And so where do you begin in helping to regulate yourself in order to better deal with, say, a conflict situation? Yeah, it’s a really kind of big question. What I have found throughout the work that I’ve done is it’s really important to start with the education piece. I didn’t do that in the beginning. I tried to jump right into, like, the somatic exercises, for example. Our brain really still wants that top-down, education, and if we can have a better understanding of why we’re doing the work and what’s happening physiologically, then it’s easier for us to accept and, like, go into the work. So I start there a lot with people of just the neuroeducation piece of, like, what’s actually happening in our bodies when we are in a chronic state of stress or even when there’s an acute state of stress that happens, and how we as, you know, what we can do to change that and how it manifests in our system All right, so we’re first grounding in the thinking behind that, and so that includes the neuroscience, which is very topical. What types of things do you need to know, about the neuroscience as it relates to your reactions to stress? Yeah, I mean, there’s a lot. We could talk about that for hours. important one, yeah But there’s two major things that I think are really helpful for people to understand is that we have one huge nerve that comes from our brain into our body, and that nerve operates on a loop. And, when I talk about top-down, that education piece is a top-down type of regulation in terms of we’re inputting it into our brain first, and then it’s traveling into our body. But what’s really happening in our systems is that 80% of our communication comes from our body first. And so when we know that, we can start to say, “Huh, okay, that makes sense. If I’m completely disconnected from my body and I don’t have awareness of what’s happening in my body and I’m trying to control everything from here, then basically 80% is being ignored. And that can start to lead to a lot of, stress, chronic stress, chronic conditions. The other piece of it is understanding, where we are on the spectrum, or we can look at it as a stoplight as well, so red, yellow, and green zone. So if I’m in the red zone, I’m completely shut down. I’m in a place where I feel kind of lethargic. I have low energy. I may even feel depression. We can say it even that there’s some type of freeze type of reaction going on. And then as we move into that yellow stage, we’re getting into a place where, we feel connected, we feel creative, we feel, calm, we feel courageous. And then when we get into this green, it’s this hyper excitability that we have of this go, go, go energy, like very busy, which is where a lot of us live. And so just knowing that analogy and having that awareness of like, where am I on that spectrum just in general, and then where am I when, conflict arises, for example, at work? And how do I identify what that feels like in my body when I’m in those different places in that stoplight? That’s a starting point with anybody that would come in to do this work of understanding their own system. It sounds like a really helpful metaphor red, yellow, green, understanding where you are, your body is, so you’re bridging that disconnection. And this sounds like this is an analogy for the nervous system, the parasympathetic and the sympathetic, that you’re just understanding what state your nervous system is in. So that’s the first step to regulation, where we’re kind of developing this awareness, where am I? What are steps that someone can take? So let’s say we’re in a conflict situation. We realize that we’re more in the red zone. Maybe we’re freezing up or, pretty agitated there. What are some things someone can do to try to regulate themselves in that moment? So in that moment, if you feel like you’re shutting down when there’s conflict going on, it’s helpful to just bring yourself back into the present. So you can feel your feet on the ground, you can feel the sensations that are going on in your body. You can focus in on something that is within eye distance in the room and start to, really notice like what the colors are. That brings safety back into your system. Your nervous system likes that. They want to feel safe. Um, so we can do that, and then that will start to help us regulate back into that yellow zone. Sometimes it’s a matter of saying, I hear what you’re saying and I just need to take, like five minutes or something.” So that you can remove yourself from the situation and then do some more tools that can be regulating. There’s specific tools that we can use that regulate the nervous system and stimulate that vagus nerve. Some of the tools that I like the best are with your ear. So it can be like massaging this earlobe, kind of gently pulling it down, coming in into circles. We can even get more into this earpiece where it spirals in here. You might feel if you stick your pointer finger in there, you’ll feel like a hard surface. You can give yourself like a little massage in there. These tools, help to bring us back into regulation and really bring you back into that, ventral vagal state is what we call it. And that can bring you to a place then where you’re able to communicate from that place of, regulation Right. And some of those things sounds like if you’re able to pull yourself out of the situation, take a pause, take a break, you can kind of do some of those techniques. Are there techniques that, are maybe a little bit more in the moment, if you wanna try to stick it out, try to manage it there in the middle of conflict? Ones that I love, are really tactile. In the work that I do now, a lot of people that I’m dealing with there’s a lot of severe irritation, for example. And so for me, in order for me to stay regulated in those sessions, I like to use a tactile feeling so it can be, like this nice blanket that I have back here is a good example. Just feeling into that blanket, and you can even do it, on your legs if you don’t have that. That will help bring regulation in. Taking deeper breaths will help bring that regulation in. Feeling your feet on the ground, focusing in on something that’s visual in your space. All of those things are gonna help bring you down from that sympathetic state into that more of that regulation place. We just wanna be aware that when we’re actually communicating back, we wanna be aware of where we’re communicating from, and we’re not gonna be perfect. We’re gonna communicate, from places of shutdown or from overreaction at times. But when we’re first working on this and we’re probably are in more of a chronic place of dysregulation, then those are types of tools that we’re describing right now that we can help us bring us back, and then we can, do our best to communicate from that place that is a more regulated place. It’s also helpful to understand that, what are the characteristics that go along with feeling regulated? And some of those I mentioned already, which is calm, we feel connected, we feel curious, we feel creative. And so we can kind of think of those attributes as well as when I’m communicating back now that I’m communicating from a place of like curiosity I wanna return a little bit to, the in the moment conflict, ‘cause you provided a really valuable piece of advice, from my perspective is, you don’t have to engage and fully engage in every conflict situation, and that it can be really helpful for introverts to ask for the time to, you know, give me a moment to regroup.” So you had a script for that? What is your suggestion? How do you ask for that time for yourself to pause? Yeah, I think it’s totally okay, and I think it’s the healthy thing to do. It’s just not been something we taught. So if we feel ourselves, becoming activated and more in that green place, which would be faster breathing, you can feel, tension in your body or, if you start to feel like more in that, red zone of like shutting down where you may start to feel like really heavy, just kinda disassociated, disconnected, not really taking in what they’re saying, it’s completely okay to say, just— I, hear what you’re saying right now. I just need to… Just give me like five minutes or so, I need to go get a drink of water and I’ll be right back.” They may not respond well to you, but that’s okay. It’s okay. Like, it’s not our responsibility to carry what their reaction is. of course, there are some times like say, for example, you’re on a sales call, and someone’s getting like really upset about something on the other end, we can’t necessarily hang up on that person. It may not be okay, protocol for your company to be like, “Hey, I’m gonna have to call you back.” but we have a little bit more— There’s a little bit more in between us than if we were face-to-face. I guess we could be face-to-face with a client as well, which in that case, I do think it’s okay just to be like, um, “I need to run to the bathroom, Mm-hmm. Excuse me for a moment.” you know, it’s okay to say that even if it isn’t necessarily the truth because protecting your system is the number one thing that you wanna be aware of throughout your life. It’s not your responsibility to take on other people’s stuff or, to sit there and be their punching bag per se. It is your responsibility to protect you and do what you need to do for yourself. But in instances where you feel like that’s not the appropriate thing to do or it’s not gonna be okay for your working environment, I would go back to things that we were mentioning before: deeper breathing, feeling your feet on the floor, touching something that’s tactile, focusing in on something visually that’s in the room. All of that brings you back into this present moment, which will down-regulate your system There’s some really great advice in there. So, one thing that I just wanna underscore here is just this idea of protecting yourself and that you don’t have to sit there and take something. You know, even on a phone call, you could say, uh,could you hold on a second? I need to check on something.” “Just let me— I need to step away for just a sec.” If it happens frequently, prepare some excuses. I really think that’s valuable, and it sends a important message to yourself internally. It’s, important for safety because it’s telling yourself that, “I’ve got you,” you know, I’m watching out for you,” and that goes a long way for creating internal sa-safety for yourself. I thought, I actually think I misunderstood the red and the green before because what you said about the green is really interesting. You can be too green, you know, in a sense. Like, you can be kind of keyed up, and then maybe you’re not in the most calm place. And so it’s a positive state. It’s excitement. It sounds like there’s a lot going on, but it could be that you’re not fully able to engage in a conversation. Uh, did I have that right? Yeah. This is a really good point because, all of these stoplights, green, red, and yellow, we are gonna be in all of them, and they all serve a purpose. and they’re all helpful for different things. It’s when we get stuck in a place that becomes chronic that it really becomes an issue. But even in a place of, what you’re talking about is, which a lot of us are today of this go, go, go, I’m busy, I’m keeping busy, I’m doing, I’m doing, I’m productive. Even if it’s not at a chronic place, that’s a whole ‘nother discussion of it when it becomes chronic and what can happen. But even if it’s a place of where in that energy, I’m not fully present. I’m not fully present in the moment of what’s happening right now, and I can, dismiss the other person when I’m communicating, which can cause conflict. I can, just miss a lot. I guess there’s lots of examples that we can talk about. But yeah, you’re just not fully connected, and so there can be a lot that you miss in terms of, what other people are providing in the situation, we tend to be more reactive when we’re in that green place as well. So, there tends to be more of, like, a control energy. I’m in control, I’m doing, and then if something disrupts that, path, that I’m going and I’m doing and I’m doing these things, and if something comes in, it can either cause us to react, not healthy, right? Not a healthy reaction, or we get that shutdown response. so yeah, having awareness of it, am I really in this green zone? Has it become chronic? And if you’re experiencing things like that of where you do feel like, “I can’t take anything else on. I’m kind of in this blinder zone of, like, what I’m doing. I’m hyper-focused, and then if something comes in, I feel like it’s just, like, too much. I can’t take anything else on.” That’s a really good indication to kind of pause and start to explore a little bit of, like, really what’s going on in your system. Got it. So it sounds like we’re looking for a balance here, where you’re grounded and present and, there’s more of a, balance of the system. Yeah, I mean, we wanna be able to really understand where we are in our systems, throughout the day, always where we are in the system. And again, like it’s— they do good things for us. I mean, the green zone is gonna provide us a time where we can be very productive. and then, being able to bring yourself back is what we really wanna think about, being able to bring yourself back into that regulated place. And then we can talk about more of like capacity that we have. So this regulated place that sits in the middle, my window might look this small. Part of the work that we do in this nervous system work is we wanna be able to expand what that regulation window is. So a lot of us have a really short capacity right now of being able to stay in that regulated place. We’re spending a lot of time in the green, a lot of time in the green. too much time in the red. A lot of what I’m seeing with people is like it’s working, it’s very like green. They come home, it’s red. and so just being able to understand that and have the awareness and bring yourself back to more into the middle is part of that work that will then start to expand that middle piece, of how much you can hold, how much capacity you have. Are there positive sides of being in the red? I think there’s positive sides of being in all the zones.you know, like it’s a protection mechanism. It’s there for a reason. reason you’re shutting down in certain situations is because that’s what you learned to do. something happened earlier in life, and then your system just learned like, “Okay, this is what I do in these situations,” and it’s unlearning those patterns. They’re not helping us as adults. They’re actually, stopping us from being able to what we’re actually capable of doing Yeah. So we’re talking about the deeper work here now. is this something that everybody does, or is it, is it kind of the next level of work that people start? It’s definitely the next level. You really need to be ready, first of all, because if we go too quickly, that’s damaging to our nervous system. So we wanna be careful on how we’re titrating things in, how quickly we’re going into the work. And, some people are like, “I’m perfectly fine with where I am right now, and I don’t wanna do that,” and that’s okay too. The work I do is really centered around the protector parts. And those protector parts can be things that are like hypervigilance or control, perfectionism. there’s work to be done there in terms of, allowing those things to let them go. It is kinda scary when you’ve had something for so long that it’s part of you, right? It’s helped you cope through life. It’s protected you through life. And now that thinking about like, “Okay, I’m gonna let this piece go,” well, what’s gonna happen? What’s gonna be there for me when that piece isn’t there anymore? So it just takes time, to really explore, what those protectors are and be able to allow them to be there in a different way. They never completely go away. You know, they’re there for a reason. It’s getting to the point where they’re not controlling your life and taking over, and that your adult self is the one that’s leading you. What would be an example of, say someone has a pattern that’s repeating in the workplace that’s undesirable. an example of this protector pattern that’s leading to it? Let’s say, I struggle with getting feedback. I’m in a position at work where I get feedback every day, and I’m having a reaction to it. I’m reacting in a way that’s like, “They’re on my back. They’re constantly watching me.” “They don’t think I’m doing my job well.” There’s all these thoughts that come along with it, and then there’s these reactions that you have in terms of like, you’re hyperexcitable. It’s like, “I’m getting… It’s stressing me out.” Then these, deeper wounds can come in of like, “I’m not good enough.” you can start to explore that, of like, well, what is that really about? Like why is that reaction taking place? And this is a big thing to kind of unwrap, right? But it can be that like, yeah, well, I do have perfectionistic tendencies, and so, I’m in this zone of like trying to do things like so perfectly, and then when someone gives me feedback, it really irritates that perfectionistic piece of me. And then it compounds on like top of it. And then it’s like, okay, well, where did that perfectionistic piece start? Why did that develop in the first place? What is it doing for you now? it still helping you now? How did it help you in the past? You know, so it’s just, exploring it i-in that type of way. that’s a great example, and those feelings can be scary, super scary. Like, I mean, there’s good reasons why a lot of people don’t, delve into that. So you’re feeling defensive at work. You have these patterns. You start to explore them, and you start to maybe see where they came from in your childhood So where does the healing come from? You know, how does that help? So when we’re in that place and we’re constantly reacting, that’s increasing our stress level when we do that. And so the healing comes in of being able to stop that reaction, understand, like, first of all, when it happens, it’s gonna come into my body first. And so having that awareness of, like, when it comes into my body first, you can stop it before it gets to the brain. This is really important in the neuroscience because when we don’t stop it from getting to the brain, it’s just reinforce- forcing that neural pathway that we’ve created for so long. And what we wanna do is intercept that pathway that’s coming from the body to the brain, and so we wanna do something differently. So it’s like, “Oh, it’s happening again. I’m getting defensive.” And, I know why, and it’s okay. I’m gonna respond in a different way now. I’m gonna look at it in a way of like, the owner of this company is, he’s put a lot of money into this company, and so he has a huge investment. Him giving me this feedback is just part of, what he’s doing in order to make sure that, things are running the way he wants them to run, but also in a way of like, he needs to be involved, so he has the feedback so then he can, do the right marketing, right? So, like, a different, thought pattern of, how I respond to it then decreases my stress level but also starts to create a new pathway where eventually that will become the automatic pathway. We don’t have to, try so hard to reframe, for example. Right. So instead of the early pattern of like he’s giving me feedback, it’s because I’m a bad person or I’m a bad kid or something like that, then, you know, it’s like, well, we can bring in adult or reasonable explanations and kind of, end that negative legacy pattern Mm-hmm. what’s the role of shame in these situations at work? particularly, for people who are introverts or quieter, where does shame show up? A lot of shame. I think through the work that I’ve done and the more that I work with people, the main probably underlying of all of that is the shame component. And again, the more we can understand, these different parts of us and start to interact with these parts differently, let some of it go, don’t allow them to be in the driver’s seat, we can start to uncouple that shame that’s buried deep down there. Yeah, and that’s heavier stuff. I mean, what do you recommend for people who want to do this deeper work? I mean, is this something that you wanna try this— don’t try this at home? Or, you know, where would you point people? I wouldn’t say don’t try at home. I think it’s very difficult when you don’t have, the support and someone guiding you. It can be… really complex, and I think to do it on your own, I mean, I don’t even do mine on my own still, you know. Like, I see a coach for my nervous system. we talk about this co-regulation piece of, like, showing up with someone who’s in a really regulated place, that regulates your nervous system. So that piece of it is extremely helpful. know, just being able to, bounce things off of people and have the insight and awareness, a lot of people can gain that themselves and don’t necessarily need that in the long run. but yeah, It’s complex, you know, and to be alone is not regulation in itself. You know, if you feel isolated, and you’re the type of person who’s like, “Well, I’m just gonna do it on my own,” that’s something to really get curious about. This being connected and, you know, feeling connected with people and, you know, being able to stay connected with people in times of stress and, conflict, that really is what regulation is. If you wanna do this work, I would suggest meeting with someone who is experienced in doing the nervous system work, and, it’s important that whoever you’re working with, that you feel safe to do the work with them. A lot of people that do this, they’ll offer, a discovery session because they wanna make sure that are the right fit for each other. And then you can kinda, dip your toe into the work and, what it’s really gonna feel like for you. But the biggest thing would be that, there needs to be a level of safety and connection that you feel with the person that you’re working with because you have to be able to open up and be, you know, raw and honest for the work to really, be significant Yeah. Yeah, I really agree with all that. I’ve done work like this. I’ve done it with the help of people, and, it really is a key to going beyond the patterns. you know, you can only bash your head against a wall so many times before you think, “Okay, there’s gotta be some way around this wall.” There’s gotta be some way through it. And so for me, this deeper work was part of that answer. I really, I have enjoyed our conversation. This seems like a great, set of guidance and tools for people if they wanna see how to deal better with their stress at work, that kind of thing. If people wanna learn more about you and the kind of work you’re doing, where should they go? Yeah, the best place is probably my website. It’s karenannwellness.com. You can reach out to me there, and then my, socials are on there as well, and you can reach out to me on those All right. Well, I really enjoyed our conversation today. Thanks for being on the show Thanks for having me, Greg So that was my conversation with Karen, and I really appreciated how practical she made all of this. Nervous system work can sound a little bit abstract, but she gave us the language, and I guarantee you there’s nothing more concrete. So let’s recap three things I think you should take away from this show. Number one, it’s not in your head. Most of your signal is beginning in the body. If you’ve been trying to think your way out of the old patterns that keep you stuck and it’s not working, that’s the reason. We often talk about body language as the majority of outward external communication. Well, the same thing is true inward. Experts say eighty percent or more of our signals begin within the body, and if you’re not listening to that, you’re missing the majority of what’s going on. Number two, the red, yellow, and green zones. Green is that busy go, go, go state where a lot of us live during the workday. Red is shut down, freeze, and disconnection, and yellow is the middle: calm, curious, and creative. The goal isn’t to live in yellow all the time, but it’s to notice where you are on the spectrum and bring yourself back to center. And number three, you are allowed to pause. “I hear you. Give me five minutes.” Feet on the floor, hand on something tactile, a slower breath, even a gentle massage on your earlobe. These are small, physical, in-the-moment tools that pull you back into regulation before you respond. Protecting your system, as Karen says, is your responsibility. If this content resonates with you, here’s one more tool. Hit subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts. It’s the easiest way to make sure that you don’t miss the next conversation, and it helps other quiet leaders find this material. I appreciate it. I’m Greg Weinger. Keep leading with quiet confidence, and I’ll see you next time